So this guy walks into a bar...

05-Apr-25 19:05pm
Liane H
Waiter " How would you like your steak sir?" Sir " Like winning an argument with my wife " Waiter "Rare it is!"
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03-Apr-25 08:45am
allin
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
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01-Apr-25 18:24pm
Liane H
Whenever I'm in trouble I just think to myself "Now what would Jesus do ?" Then I act like I'm dead and disappear for 3 days .
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- 02-Apr-25 22:03pm
  Holly Cat
  Same, but I turn water into wine. Or perhaps that's... drink wine instead of water :)
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- 03-Apr-25 08:40am
  allin
  you are going to hell for that comment, but I will hold the seat next to me for you😇🤣
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31-Mar-25 14:49pm
APB
in the forest there is the last know family of a small rodent called Noo...once they were everywhere...one morning daddy Noo is carried off by a hawk while gathering nuts and berries...when Mother Noo goes looking for him she suffers the same fate...poor baby Noo eventually dies of starvation with no-one to feed him.......Well that's the end of the Noos... and now for the weather forecast....Edited 31-Mar-25 14:50pm
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- View all 3 replies
- 01-Apr-25 18:25pm
  Liane H
  Ooohh Nooo !
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- 03-Apr-25 08:41am
  allinLiane H
  don't encourage him lolololololol
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- 03-Apr-25 12:39pm
  Liane H allin
  Nooo never ! Cough ,cough .. Now here is the news .. Edited 03-Apr-25 12:40pm
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30-Mar-25 14:32pm
Somebody Kinda Loopy
Liane It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!" Edited 30-Mar-25 14:34pm
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- 30-Mar-25 17:44pm
  Liane H
  Haa! 🤗🐾
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30-Mar-25 13:35pm
Somebody Kinda Loopy
Two guys named Lou decided to rob a jewelry store Because they shared the same name they went by their last initials Lou A. and Lou C. Their plan was simple: they would take all the diamonds they could, then Lou A would drive away to get the cops attention while Lou C would sneak out the back and catch a plane at the airport. So while Lou A was on the ground distracting the cops, Lou C was in the sky with diamonds. Edited 30-Mar-25 13:38pm
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- 31-Mar-25 14:25pm
  APB
  Lou A needed to car jack a car when his broke down...the driver just smiled and said "Lou A lou A oh no you take me where you ya gotta go..."......that was the one I thought you were going for!one of the most covered songs of all time...from the foremost to the Kinks... Edited 31-Mar-25 17:22pm
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30-Mar-25 12:54pm
Somebody Kinda Loopy
I thought I would take a spider out instead of killing it. We went out, had a few drinks, nice guy, he's a web developer.
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30-Mar-25 12:48pm
Somebody Kinda Loopy
While I was putting the bin out, I yelled out "COW" to a woman on a bicycle. She gave me the middle finger and told me to Feck Off, and then she ran into the cow.
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- 31-Mar-25 14:13pm
  allin
  LMFAO, good one bb
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30-Mar-25 11:11am
Elizabeth T 396096
Oldie but goodie
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30-Mar-25 04:15am
Holly Cat
Whenever I go to a fine dining restaurant, on my way out I make sure I tell the people coming in that I recommend the cockroach tartare.
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30-Mar-25 00:22am
Von
A time traveller walks into a bar.... The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.” A time traveller walks into a bar....Edited 30-Mar-25 00:24am
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29-Mar-25 23:38pm
APB
this horse who was really thirsty walked into a bar...the barman asked why the long face...he is currently in hospital
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28-Mar-25 22:04pm
APB
Everybody else is allowed to join in too....I know you all have a few good jokes if you dig deep enough
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28-Mar-25 20:26pm
APB
You still haven't paid the bill for your mother's funeral...if you don't pay in 30 days.... up she comes again.....and we will bring her back to you as well... Edited 28-Mar-25 20:30pm
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28-Mar-25 10:07am
Holly Cat
I'm confused at how a cemetery can raise it's prices and blame it on the cost of living.
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27-Mar-25 14:24pm
APB
The ancient Sumatrans invented the "guy goes into a bar" joke..pre Greek civilisation...so its pretty old...not a lot of people know that...
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26-Mar-25 23:35pm
Liane H
The Hostess of Wheel of fortune died ..l was going to make a joke but decided it would be IN - P- -OP -I- T - Edited 27-Mar-25 22:57pm
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- View all 6 replies
- 27-Mar-25 22:17pm
  APB
  I actually went out on pub crawl with that girl in Adelaide..thats where she lived.....they fired Tony Barber?...and in those days if you fired the host the sidekick was fired too..she didn't do anything wrong...it was terrible..they throw you on the funeral pyre...TV stations in those days were arse*oles...just like they still are now... Edited 27-Mar-25 22:34pm
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- 27-Mar-25 22:58pm
  Liane H APB
  Loved Adriana X . She was gone too soon ..
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- 28-Mar-25 20:29pm
  APBLiane H
  She was funny...might have made a better host?
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- 28-Mar-25 21:26pm
  Liane H APB
  Tony was good too! Wasn't the same show without them or Burgo . Did I tell u my sister was the carry over champ right before the axed it ? Right bummer !!
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- 28-Mar-25 21:27pm
  APBLiane H
  WOW...small world..and your Dad working just down from Rosati's in Melbourne..where I worked...and his magazine doing an article on the Rainbow house where my mate Mark lives now....how weird.... Edited 28-Mar-25 21:30pm
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- 28-Mar-25 21:33pm
  Liane H APB
  As Dame Edna always used to say ..Spookily so!
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26-Mar-25 17:31pm
Liane H
If I ever find out the name of that surgeon who stuffed up my limb transplant ,l'll kill him ...with my own bear hands!
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26-Mar-25 16:29pm
Liane H
I used to date a one legged boy at the local brewery . He was in charge of the hops.
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26-Mar-25 16:28pm
Liane H
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.75 and deer nuts are under a buck .
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22-Mar-25 23:17pm
Melanie 1651425
Très bonne joke. Moi c'est je vois dit l'aveugle quand y a ben vue qui voyait plus y a ben vue qui voyait rien 😂
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22-Mar-25 22:51pm
boy blunder
i knew a guy who walked into a bar,,,he got 2 stitches, Edited 22-Mar-25 22:52pm
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- 23-Mar-25 08:52am
  Chosen
  That's given me the stitches now.Edited 23-Mar-25 19:11pm
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22-Mar-25 20:31pm
Lee b 979050
Mmm apb you still working or retired?
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- View all 5 replies
- 22-Mar-25 20:35pm
  APB
  If I answer the question right do I get a prize?
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- 22-Mar-25 22:30pm
  Lee b 979050APB
  boobie prize
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- 22-Mar-25 22:40pm
  APBLee b 979050
  mmmm must try harder.....I seem to remember a time when folk were attacking you on all sides...you remember that? ...and somebody plowed in and defended you?...remember that?...who was that? Edited 22-Mar-25 22:44pm
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- 22-Mar-25 22:56pm
  Lee b 979050APB
  I'm 100% on your side APB. Folks that were attacking me know not what they do that were unaware of their wrong doings. You coming to my defence is highly appreciated. Your are entitled to respect from all
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- 23-Mar-25 19:12pm
  ChosenAPB
  Go for the boobie prize as there is nothing like some Boobies.Edited 23-Mar-25 19:31pm
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22-Mar-25 20:11pm
APB
A taxi driver picks up a nun..while he is driving he says "I know its terrible sister but I have always been wildly turned on by Nuns..I imagine them kissing and other things on parts of my body..I know it is terrible.." there is a brief silence before the nun answers "Are you married my son?"...he answers no..."then you may pull over and join me in the back"...afterwards the taxi driver continues the journey..but guilt makes him speak up "I am SO sorry sister..I lied to you...I am married!!"...the nun replies "that's ok..my name is brian and I'm on the way to a fancy dress party" Edited 23-Mar-25 13:03pm
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22-Mar-25 12:45pm
Chosen
One Nun saw the other Nun and got none.
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21-Mar-25 23:47pm
Liane H
Two drunk guys visit a brothel . The Madame takes one look at them and tells her girls "Get 2 inflatable dolls" They'll have no clue either way .. During the walk home the first guy said "Well I think my girl was dead , she never made a sound or moved ." His friend replied "I think mine was a witch " " Why would you think that ? " " Well, when i bit her on the a$$ She flew out the window!
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21-Mar-25 23:37pm
Liane H
A policeman pulls me over on the motorway, came over to my window and says "Papers " I said "Scissors , l win!" And drove off .. He obviously wants a rematch ,he's been chasing me ever since . Edited 21-Mar-25 23:38pm
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21-Mar-25 22:32pm
APB
Well this one is taking off
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- 21-Mar-25 23:20pm
  Liane H
  Like a bird in flight ;)
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21-Mar-25 20:14pm
APB
True story...a certain American aircraft manufacturer buys a "chicken gun" from a British supplier...this device is used to fire chickens at aircraft cockpits to test if the glass is strong enough to survive direct hits by birds...The American company angrily phones the British company saying that it doesn't matter how strong the glass ..the chicken breaks it...the British Company asks "you did defrost the chickens before firing them?..right?".....BBBRRRRRR....... Edited 21-Mar-25 20:15pm
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- 21-Mar-25 20:52pm
  Liane H
  Well they could have been testing for those flying ones from Iceland
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- 21-Mar-25 20:57pm
  APBLiane H
  no those ones were flightless remember?
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21-Mar-25 07:51am
Chosen
All mine are "Mumbai" ones.
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- 22-Mar-25 09:55am
  allin
  mine can't be posted in this discussion, or I'll be in mumbai
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21-Mar-25 02:21am
Liane H
I called the council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house today . They said you can do cartwheels for all we care.
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- View all 10 replies
- 21-Mar-25 09:44am
  boy blunder
  been there I rang for a skip last week, can I have a skip asap? you can have a skip anytime you want, mate but you can have a 2 or 3-cube bin there tomorrow How is that bud, smart ass he was there getting expensive they areEdited 21-Mar-25 09:45am
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- 21-Mar-25 10:50am
  Liane H boy blunder
  Damn public servants .. 😂
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- 21-Mar-25 17:35pm
  APBLiane H
  perhaps too many of them?...they forget that they are public servants and we pay their salaries....in my local Centrelink there are more staff than customers...why?..I realise it creates employment...but really taxpayers are paying for all this rubbish...and you still have to wait to see anybody.....why?...it is like an Australian Bank... Edited 21-Mar-25 17:43pm
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- 21-Mar-25 18:33pm
  Liane H APB
  ln the days I used to queue up and there were only usually 2 or 3 desks in operation ..someone lost it once and said hey ,we're all lined up here, give us a job ..you guys clearly can't manage it ! Edited 21-Mar-25 18:34pm
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- 21-Mar-25 18:36pm
  boy blunderAPB
  yes I tried to ring Centrelink last week rang right at 8.30 am their advertised opening time waited 40 mind-bending minutes to be told by this cheerful fella, Hello sir good morning you are my first caller for the day how can I help you, I ask what time do you start work he said 8.30 I say it is 10 past 9 can I ask why I am your first caller, I've been waiting 40 minutes,,,,, he hung up, so I go to the Centrelink building it's now 10.30 quite a line almost a 20-minute wait, I get to the counter and ask to see someone im politely told I need to ring to make an appointment on this matter, I went then to the local member told him my story and the time is now 12ish he tells me no worries ill fix this for you,20 minutes later im home and Centrelink are on the phone with my wife problem fixed,, have never been back there, no wonder they have security im a very passive guy but gee whiz they press buttonsEdited 21-Mar-25 18:39pm
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- 21-Mar-25 20:02pm
  Liane H boy blunder
  Shockers! I've been on hold before ..had a meal ,had a shower ,washed my hair ,,got back ,,now it's just kicked over to 1 hour .. and then their end times out!!!
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- 21-Mar-25 20:06pm
  APBLiane H
  You took your phone in the shower with you?
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- 21-Mar-25 20:09pm
  Liane H APB
  Had it on the counter top on loud speaker ,,just in case I had to jump out excitedly ..
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- 22-Mar-25 00:18am
  APBLiane H
  do you have any footage?
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- 22-Mar-25 00:32am
  Liane H APB
  Of me waiting for centrlink to pick up ? Haha! Nooo ...
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21-Mar-25 02:18am
Liane H
Paddy is doing a crossword and says to Murphy I'm stuck on 2. down . A flightless bird from Iceland? ( 6,7 ) . Murphy thinks upon it .and says " Ya thick twat ,that's easy ! Frozen chicken" .
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21-Mar-25 01:47am
Liane H
Man taps his cab driver on the shoulder to let him know he needs to turn off this road .. The driver swerves violently , bangs up the gutter and almost hits a tree ." Geez your'e so bloody jumpy he says " l only just tapped your shoulder !" " Oh sorry" the driver replies " It's my first day . l've been driving a damn hearse for the last 20 years !"Edited 21-Mar-25 01:48am
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21-Mar-25 01:19am
Liane H
Paddy took his 2 stuffed dogs to the antiques roadshow .. " ooooh this is a very rare breed " said the presenter " Do you have any idea on what they might fetch if in good condition?" "Sticks" replied Paddy.
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21-Mar-25 00:59am
Liane H
A food inspector catches Paddy using his false teeth to crimp the edges of the apple pies and shrieks at him " Do you not have a tool Paddy?!" "Yes " Says Paddy "But I use that for the doughnuts" .
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- 21-Mar-25 01:02am
  APB
  you are on form tonight!
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- 21-Mar-25 01:17am
  Liane H APB
  Found a whole bunch of good uns .. but wait there's more.!
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21-Mar-25 00:52am
Liane H
A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant one romantic evening ,, " Did you smell that food ?" She asks him . "It smells absolutely incredible !" Being the kind hearted Scotsman he thought what the hell, l'll treat her! .. So they walked past it again.Edited 21-Mar-25 00:53am
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- 21-Mar-25 00:59am
  APB
  nice!
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20-Mar-25 15:32pm
APB
This guy is about to go into a bar...there is a nun outside who stops him "Don't go in there my son...alcohol is the work of the devil"...the man answers "what do you know about alcohol?...you are talking about something you have no experience about...you try some first.." "Very well" says the nun...bring me out some..but in a cup please".....the man goes in and orders a pint and a double gin in a cup....the barman says "is the bloody nun out there again?"
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	So this guy walks into a bar...
	APB	20-Mar-25 03:25 pm
	...and he is carrying a big box..he puts it down on the floor in the corner....lifts out a tiny piano and stool...and then a tiny piano player...sets them up on a table...puts a cap down in front for tips...and says "play" which the little man does...and people gather round to watch...then he comes over to the bar...the barman says "where did you find him?"...the man says "there is a genie just outside and he is granting any wish"...the barman jumps the bar and races outside...a couple of minutes later he bursts back in...surrounded by hundreds of doves...he screams at the man "I asked for a million dollars!"...the man replies "yes I think he is a little deaf...do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"...next!