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What do you think of a partner having a close friend of the opp sex?
mary c24-Oct-22 06:31 pm
Hey there fine Rewardian Geniuses..this is a dilemma for a close family member of mine who is very important to me.
Their spouse has retired a year or so ago- made Redundant. They have continued to catchup and stay in touch with a Colleague since then. The Colleague is of opposite sex.
They text and meet up for coffee etc.
My family member feels threatened and uncomfortable- though the spouse says there's nothing going on- (of course).
I'd like to hear people's thoughts or experiences of this situation- which seems quite common from a bit of googling i have done.
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  • Dawn B 1183336
    It's fine so long as that friend/partner doesn't cross the line and have an affair. My hubby has more female friends than male and I'm not jealous, plus I know he will never cheat and the same with me. I have more male friends than female and my hubby isn't jealous either.
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    • Dottie 1043512
      I grew up like a Tom boy.Their wasn't any other girls for me to play with when I was a child so, it was boys I played with.I played baseball,and climb trees,etc..So it comes natural to me to relate to men.
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      • Pat C 618241
        I had an old friend (boyfriend of my youth) who contacted me some years ago. His wife had died several years ago and he was quite lonely. We and my hubby friended him again and we had a very friendly relationship with him until he died. Since both retiring, hubby and I have met up with the girlfriends I used to have lunch with. They are all younger than me and always expect us to meet them as a couple.
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        • mary c
          Thats so nice that you welcomed your lonely friend into your lives again :)
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      • Darren S 116121
        my best friend is a girl i grew up with,we talk everyday,she married an american and now lives in the US,we have known one another since we were 7,we are now 47,my wife is good with it as is her husband,no theres never been any hanky panky
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        • mary c
          Good when there's no panky with the hanky :)
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      • Linda Humby
        and I dont recall anyone mentioning sex.....
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        • Linda Humby
          yeah its really up to the individual I think. You need trust in any relationship and everyone needs friends. Oppisite sex just doesnt mean what it used to anyway.
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          • mary c
            ha true Linda! quite the mix out there now :)
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        • MARGARET p 388156
          Hum If they are meeting up together for coffee maybe the wife should say I would like to come along just to get me out of the house and if the husband starting making excuses. Then I will be questioning him.
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          • mary c
            Yes she needs to go along- and looking hot to trot!!
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        • JANET R 328390
          I personally think it is all to do with individual circumstances. I am quite good friends with a guy I have known for about 30 years. He has recently remarried and wants to stay in touch. We have met up for coffee. HOWEVER I am also friends with his new wife and she is aware that we have caught up when he has been down in Perth. As long as it is a PUBLIC place - NOT meeting at a house or similar - I personally have no issue with it and neither does his new wife. A lot of people here seem to have forgotten about one word TRUST. AND also things only get "complicated" if you allow them.
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          • mary c
            True- and as long as both parties have the same belief that it is just a friendship!
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        • Daniel T 626103
          I think it's unwise to have a close and/or personal friendship with the opposite sex while you're married (or equivalent), it might start out as fun and friendly but things could get complicated, especially if feelings start developing. ( And they often do) In other words..... Danger, Danger, Danger!
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          • mary c
            yes i think that can definitely be the case...danger ahead!
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        • Denise C (Qld)
          Ive perused quite a few of your replies Mary and it seems like your relative isnt prepared to accept her position but at the same time isnt prepared to do anything constructive either. You cant lead others lives so stop worrying. Her fears could also be unfounded.
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          • mary c
            yes you're quite right there Denise...we are close and I understand the dilemma. Its a hard place to be in for sure. I feel its an intellectual type affair- i might have just invented that!
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        • Liane H
          He who hesitates is lost ? I say this person should probably take action now. Maybe you could go with them as support mary? It's sounding like your friend has got their mind in all sorts of bother over this and the only way to clear it is to take up the spouse's offer of the meet and greet.
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          • View all 10 replies
          • mary c
            Its weird..we get together for family birthdays etc and its like things are normal and yet they so aren't. Amazing how we all have things simmering under the surface yet can put on a decent front for a short spell! We aren't in same city so its hard. And both quite skilled at catastrophizing..perhaps we could contact that Dr Liane from Psychiatry Today to meet...
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          • Liane H mary c
            haha yes am soò wel equipped in these matters to be sure. Well if you can't go and the partner is not supportive enough they need another ring in to take that they both know but is more in tune with your friend's needs I guess . Or she/ he simply has a few shots of tequila, and makes a friendly phone call to this person...It happened to me ( someone called me suspecting their partner and I had no idea he was with her ) and I actually became friends with the other girl and we got rid of the guy! Long ago now, funny story..
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          • mary cLiane H
            yes indeed..i certainly believe in keeping your friends close and your "enemies"/ people who you feel threatened by closer. I befriended by hubby's exGF many years ago- she had left him so when we moved back to the city where she lived i knew i wouldn't want to stop their friendship so i became her good buddies- and she was a sweetheart.
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          • Liane H mary c
            so was this woman that called me ,she was so nervous calling me too and well we just started talking and things became clearer and oh so clear... Hope some of these posts help for them at least ,not easy at all .
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          • mary cLiane H
            Well its very interesting reading everyone's viewpoints and very interesting how they differ. Life be a crazy beast to be sure to be sure lass :)
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          • Liane H mary c
            ah she's arrived :)) yes I thought Denise was quite on point there .Also reminded me of my last ( er not the one previously mentioned here)I Had the strong inkling to go through his phone .. with good reason as it would turn out. Questions ,usually aren't there if nothing to be found?? They should trust their gut ,yes it's gone on too long by the sounds .The truth is out there and it always wants to be found !
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          • mary cLiane H
            Indeed..i think their phone can be the place that reveals how close a friendship is..and that is how this current concern was discovered. Once you know what you know the hard part is making the next move eh..as the song says..."pack up your Shiss and go"! Hope all is good in your 'hood tonight dearie:)
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          • Liane H mary c
            yes All quiet on the western front ,warm and raining ... shall try a couple of surveys and have an early one .was up late tripping conspiracy theories with Mr APB last night. Too funny that (news)/hackers
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          • mary cLiane H
            Great stuff and always good having a yarn with Mr A! :) Me best eye is closing..nearly midnight again durnit!!
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          • Liane H mary c
            time to for the pumpkin coach to arrive and the unicorn dreamin ..!
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        • boy blunder
          I have a super friend who I have known for more than 40 years she has lived with my wife and me from time to time, and genuinely I treat her like a second wife except for the jiggy part, I think my wife has thought from time to time something might be up but we are just good close friends as she is with my wife, it all comes down to one-word [trust]. a little of track just finished watching a show on Netflix called the Sinner, with Bill Pulmann really good show i think you would enjoy it it has 4 seasons
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          • View all 8 replies
          • mary c
            Great to hear your experience Robert- thanks. and yes!! we have watched Sinner- love it and that kind of show. And Bill is great isn't he. I'm not sure we have got Season 4 yet :)
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          • boy blundermary c
            is the best one i think, we have been watching it since last Thursday little spoiler he's retired
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          • mary cboy blunder
            haha i hope he ends up being a bit happier in his life as it wasn't going well. If you like an even more unsavoury disturbing series..the Jeff Dahmer one is quite the ticket..
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          • boy blundermary c
            was an eye opener ,yas was a wee bit happier in the end not for him though
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          • mary cboy blunder
            always be wary if you visiting someone with a head in their fridge and a vat of acid in the lounge corner..
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          • JANET R 328390
            i TOTALLY AGREE - TRUST.
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          • Liane H mary c
            gosh just spotted this one ... Definitely a hot tip young Mary !
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          • mary cLiane H
            thankyou wee lass haha..
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        • Robert D 1075412
          Introduce yourself ie as a friend
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          • Dottie 1043512
            Men and women can just be friends.
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            • Christine M 323842
              Mary, tell your friend to trust her gut. She will know if something is really going on, or if she’s just being a bit insecure.
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              • View all 4 replies
              • mary c
                I guess the dilemma is since they are both in their 60s its not easy to pack up and leave and start again- though i am sure people do. I never had the courage and they are my close fam..also a person that tends to not be brave..do you stay and be unhappy or make a bold move- which also causes great unhappiness.
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              • Christine M 323842mary c
                You have to make an informed decision…..
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              • mary cChristine M 323842
                Quite true. That means trusting that what your spouse is telling you is the truth. I know from experience that is not always the case.
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              • Christine M 323842mary c
                No, definitely not trusting that the spouse is telling the truth. I bet there’s someone around who knows what’s going on ( other work colleagues, his best mate) who know the nature of the relationship if she investigates a bit. Hopefully someone will grow a set and tell her the truth of the matter instead of “keeping out of it”.
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            • Lachelle B
              Hi Mary, I have a good male mate, I spend nights over there, he comes over here occasionally (he lives in the wop wops). 90% of my mates are male (less hassle lol). I don't hide my phone, say where I'm going and who with, etc. There needs to be proof, acting on suspicion can break a relationship with no substance to back it. Get your family member to meet the colleague, if the spouse has nothing to hide then no worries. My partner is fine with my friendship with my mate. It's called trust (insert happy emoji smiley face).
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              • View all 5 replies
              • mary c
                Yes you are so right- mutual trust seems to be the biggest requirement. It doesn't matter how much I tell my precious that spouse loves them. Though we all know that a partner can love you and still have a wee flingidy fling and pretend its nothing. I know that makes them not the ideal partner after all of course. So nice to hear from you Gal..all good in the 'watu i hope and the bubba's well. :)
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              • Lachelle Bmary c
                I never understand how someone cheats. Just leave and save the hurt. Babies are growing so quickly. And I am thinking where has the year gone? I hope you and your hubby are fine, keep on keeping on lovely.
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              • mary cLachelle B
                Aww i bet they are so cute..our daughter works in a daycare and loves her little ones :) Hope you and the Moo Moo Girls are enjoying springtime. Its so pretty at the mo'.
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              • Lachelle Bmary c
                Yes I bring them out to say hello to the cows, am teaching the next generation.
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              • mary cLachelle B
                gorgeous...sweet dear cows :)
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            • Pauline S/NZ
              No problem for me. I have former work colleagues who have similar friendships developed over years of working together.
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              • View all 3 replies
              • mary c
                Yes..it must be a great loss of self esteem to end a career not by choice
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              • Pauline S/NZmary c
                from personal experience I can say it is an awful thing to go through
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              • mary cPauline S/NZ
                Sorry to hear that Pauline- yes i have too..can destroy self confidence and trust. I hate seeing that for this person too.
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            • allin
              it's all a matter of trust, your friend also may suffer from insecurity, probably if i had "sikiatree" << grammar cops, after my name instead of captain, i could better advise you Mary,, ;-)) EDIT: well now that i read further down in the thread that one of the 2 has feelings for the other,, throw out all the crap i typed above out, and go out and buy them some condoms ;-))
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              • View all 5 replies
              • mary c
                Oh haa..shouldn't laff but i like the "rerouting" of thoughts!! Tanks for dat :)
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              • allin
                it's unfortunate, but sometimes these things happen in life, i'm sorry for you and your friend Mary,, but if you do the condom thing, you could always poke a tiny little hole with a needle into the center of each one, your friend may get some justice,,;-))
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              • mary callin
                ha i know..great minds think alike or norty ones? I am thinking that all options for them will cause unhappiness. Life as we get older sure as Duck doesn't get easier eh what..
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              • allinmary c
                that's right unfortunately, especially if you don't have a potfull of money,,,
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              • mary callin
                aye that. We love watching those Alaskan Gold mining shows..damn they work hard and how addictive it looks when they find that luverly stuff.
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            • Christine M 323842
              I think if they haven’t met before, and it looks like it’s being kept that way, your friend has a problem……..
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              • Debra D 624780
                I know a guy single who has a female friend like this, everyone thinks there is more to it, but I honestly do not believe there is.
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                • Liane H
                  Your family member,probably has nothing to be concerned about.But if they can't get past it ,they need to go with them for a coffee as well ,or something stronger one day to at least see what the vibe is with these two. The other party is probably asking how they are from time to time at these catch ups anyway (as I do with my male ,married friend) who is a total gentleman and just like a brother to me ,yet I scarcely know his wife. But would like to ,she's always working tho.So he's a bit bored at home on disability and we just make sure that eachother are OK from time to time and have a laugh. That's it. Nothing else at all. But still ,love him to bits and he has a heart of gold. . Imagine being made redundant? that colleague may be one of the last remaining pieces of what the spouse's social life and bonding with other's outside the house ( which is normal) that's left for them. To talk about things in common with this friend ,as your family member may be doing at their work or with other old friends?
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                  • View all 11 replies
                  • mary c
                    Yes- i can totally see it from the perspective of still feeling important and connected to work and working life through this friendship- and the loss from being made redundant. I think its that lack of insecurity that such a relationship brings. I also suggested joining in the coffee catchup's and looking as gorgeous as possible!
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                  • Liane H mary c
                    Top tip ! If this friend is anything like us with our extra male friends we chat to Mary.... she would love to catch up with the other spouse and instantly make them feel comfortable and put their mind at ease hopefully .:) it only takes the one meeting really to know !
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                  • mary cLiane H
                    The plot thickens..the friend is now single and i sounds like they like the spouse quite alot..so i understand my family member's concern. Midnight here in kiwiland..must hit the pillow and head to happyland on my unicorn. niteeeee nites :)
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                  • Liane H mary c
                    hmmm ,thick pea soup that one for now, shall review when more reviews lol ... maybe some older and ,wisers than us shall enighten.Thank God am single no more rubbish for me ! Packed it all in after the last.. Happy unicorn dreamin' Zzzzz
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                  • Tom S Qldmary c
                    Wait, you have a unicorn? Thats news! In ancient literature and mythology, the traditional method of hunting unicorns was entrapment by a virgin. How did you trap your unicorn?
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                  • Liane H Tom S Qld
                    yes I'll be waiting with bated breath on this one Tom ! Although we do digress ..?
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                  • mary cTom S Qld
                    Thanks you two.. i am officially no longer in a Sheissen mood...it may have slipped your higher cortex but I am called Mary and so is my Unicorn. I never trapped her though- she arrived distraught and saying her previous owner wouldn't let her sleep in the house..she said his name was hmmm Tony or was it Troy..no wait! it was Thomas- i'm almost positive :)
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                  • Tom S Qldmary c
                    I was wondering what happened to her.
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                  • mary cTom S Qld
                    She has your name tattooed on her horn.
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                  • Tom S Qldmary c
                    I need to have a serious discussion with her tattooist. What ever happened to discretion? It's one thing to secretly owning a unicorn, but to advertise the fact, well that's just...... I'm speechless!
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                  • mary cTom S Qld
                    its a very discreet tattoo...she would hate that you were displeased. i think she is finding the climate here too chilly and may want to return.
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                • Colleen M 510798
                  So, he should respect his woman's feelings and not be traipsing off with his friend.
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                  • Colleen M 510798
                    I don't think there is anything wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex. That said, I would not hang out with that friend alone if I was in a relationship with someone just because I wouldn't want my partner to feel uncomfortable and or start to think there is something going on. Even if my partner trusts me I think out of respect for them it's just not a good idea unless they are there, too. There might be an occasion or two where certain incidents might come up and they might be alone together for a bit and I think the other needs to give their spouse or SO that trust they should, but in most cases it's just not a good idea.
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                    • View all 3 replies
                    • mary c
                      Thanks yes- agree with those comments. Its a really hard situation.
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                    • Colleen M 510798mary c
                      yeah, I feel for your friend because I wouldn't want to tell my partner where he could or couldn't go or who he should be with, but I would hope he would respect me the same way I do him. It's never a good situation to be in because no one wants to control their partner.....at least not anyone in a healthy relationship. I will definitely send good thoughts toward your friends situation.
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                    • mary cColleen M 510798
                      Oh that's so sweet Colleen, yes i don't think the answer is an ultimatum but it's doing their head in. I am sure when you are in your 60's you should be feeling comfy with your spouse and not insecure.:(
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